Hey, Dick, thanks for sending me the email telling me all about Obama refusing to sign any congratulatory letters for Eagle Scouts and Gold Girl Scouts. I didn’t know about that one. That Snopes guy says it ain’t so, but you know how all the Snopeses lie. Anyway, you asked if I was still a liberal after all the travesties that have happened, so I figured I might as well jump the snark or whatever and tell you the whole plan right up front. You’ve been getting it piece by piece on Fox anyway, so what the hell, here’s the stuff we liberals are up to and I’m going to put it all in one place so it will make sense, you betcha’. Just read below.
The first thing we’re going to do is take away all your guns. I don’t know what we’re going to do with them, since most of us liberals don’t like guns all that much. I suppose we could melt them down into plowshares, but that sounds like a lot of work and you know how liberals feel about work. Anyway, we’re going to take away all your guns so there won’t be any trouble when our Death Panels come after you when you reach 65. You already know that Social Security is being paid out now by only three workers for one retiree and if we don’t use our Death Panels, everybody would live longer and then the actuarial guys say we’ll run out of money in 2049 instead of 2050 like we planned. Anyway, be nice to the Death Panel guys because they have a hard job, especially when they’re coming for their own grandmothers.
The next thing we’re going to do is take away all your birth certificates. Hell, if our president doesn’t have one, then no one else needs one either. That way it will make our immigration policy easier. I know it comes dangerously close to being a Republican ideal and all, but we figure if no one has a birth certificate, then the only ones who will get jobs will be those who want to work, not just those who own stuff. Those guys who own stuff are going to be taxed into oblivion so we can pay for the free healthcare we’re going to give to all the illegal immigrants who don’t have birth certificates. If you want to keep your insurance you’ll get to go to Cook County Hospital or some big place like that where they’re used to dealing with paperwork, but everybody else will have to be satisfied with Johns Hopkins or one of the Mayo places where there won’t be any paperwork, only health care.
After we fix the birth and health and death thing, we’re going to go after religion. We’re not going after all religions, just the Christian ones. The way we liberals figure it, the Christian ones have gotten too soft with all the televangels raking in the money and starting up tax-free corporations ands that “C” Street House and all, so we think it would be a good idea to help the Christian religions grow strong by persecuting them a lot the way the Romans got them to grow so fast. It will be a little tricky since so many liberals are secretly Christian, but we think we can pull it off. We’re going to ban Christmas and church basement pot-lucks and we’ll make sure the churches grow real fast by outlawing all women ministers and only allowing signs in secret. If this plan works, we can export it to the Middle East and use it on the Jews. God will thank us later.
Next, we’re going to fix education. After all, some of us think that’s where we got the word “liberal.” Others think it came from “library,” but it doesn’t matter. Instead of funding schools and deciding what’s important in education and nurturing natural talent and all, we’re going to start by giving kids lots more tests rather than trying to teach them anything. That way we’ll make them feel really stupid so we can train them to do what we want, mainly just learn how to play nice. Maybe that’s what we should do with all the guns we took away – put them in schools so some kids can learn how to play nice. Anyway, as liberals, we only care about creative stuff like music and dance and art, so the way to turn out great musicians and dancers and artists is to ban them in all schools, kind of like the way rock and roll works. I mean, look at how rock and roll grew when it was banned. The other thing we’re going to do to fix schools is make everybody join a union, including the kids. Liberals like unions, even though they’re the most god-awful things to try to control and bend to our liberal wills, seeing as how everybody gets to vote on stuff, but we think requiring unions is worth a shot (pun intended). The last thing we’re going to do to fix education is declare all schools private and give every kid a voucher for $42.00 he can use any way he wants on his education. This may sound like a Republican idea, but it’s one of our sneaky liberal ones. After we give each kid $42.00, we going to use the rest of our budget changing all the signs on all schools from “Public” to “Private.” We know there will still be good schools and bad schools depending on where a kid lives and nothing else will change including all the stuff that gets in the way of learning, but as liberals, we want their parents to think they’re giving their children a good, private education, and the $42.00 will make the kids happy because that’s all that matters to liberals.
As liberals, we’re still upset that you guys killed ACORN, which was part of our perfect plan to get everybody registered to vote, so we’re going to do a new plan. We’re calling it NUT JOB, and the only way you can register to vote is if you’re an ex-con, an illegal immigrant, or some minority without a birth certificate. How else can we liberals keep control of the country unless all our votes come from felons, illegals, and minorities? Hell, even Fox News knows that. We should thank those nice folks for helping us develop this aspect of our liberal plan.
Finally, as liberals, we hate all corporations with the possible exception of Apple. Since the Supreme Court has decided that all corporations are persons, we’re going to require them to do everything a person does. As liberals, we want everyone holding hands, so every corporation is going to be paired up with another corporation. For example, every power company is going to be paired up with a waste management company so they’ll have to learn how to play nice. Every mining company will be paired up with a private hospital or a life insurance company. Every credit card corporation will be paired up with a divorce court. (In ten years, we plan to make every court a nicety-nice family so courts will actually be just like persons as well.) Every car company will be paired up with a modeling agency so they can sell more cars. As liberals, we just want to save time and effort. Then we’re going to put a stranglehold on every business by regulating it to death. We’re going to pass really draconian measures like “You evil businessmen can’t run plants that blow up, especially in the middle of an ocean.” Here’s another one. “You can’t make products that make people sick.” Here’s my favorite anti-corporation rule to choke businesses. “We’re not going to allow you to run a business that steals money from people, gambles it away on bad bets, and then asks the government to fix you back up again.” THAT ought to really strangle business. After 65 years maximum, every corporation will be done in by one of our Death Panels the same as all persons, and its assets will go into our liberal coffers to give each kid a voucher for $42.00 to use on his education. Voila, a balanced budget, and you said it couldn’t be done.
Anyway, this is the whole liberal plan. It was pretty much secret until Fox News came along, but now I figured I might as well leak the whole thing at once. Say hello to Molly Ivins when you see her after the Death Panel comes, won’t you? God, I miss that woman. I wish she were here now.